Wanting to Be Closer to You
by purrpickle
Summary: During the first season before Makoto or Minako arrive, Usagi realizes something about herself. She just wants to live with it alone, but how can she when she finds herself being drawn closer and closer to her friend Ami? Shoujo ai. Usagi/Ami
1. Chapter 1

**UPDATE! Please read!**: Oh, my god... I feel so foolish! I made a _huge_ mistake in this fanfiction. In the episode where the two animators are featured (Protect the Children's Dreams! Friendship Linked by Anime!) _Hiromi_ was the main character with the short haircut, and _Kazuko_ was her more feminine brunette friend. *slaps her face* Sorry, sorry. I try to be so accurate in my stories, and apologize for the mix-up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon nor the characters.

Warning: Contains femslash.

Note: Kazuko and Hiromi are one-show characters from episode 21 of Sailor Moon. They are animators for the Sailor V movie. They're friendship was portrayed as a very close one, so I took it a step further and made them have a relationship. Even though Hiromi was the one mainly portrayed in the show, I figured Usagi would better relate to Kazuko who was more feminine, than Hiromi with the boy-cutish hair. Anyway, on with the show!

* * *

Her hands curling into fists under the kotatsu, Usagi clenched her teeth, feeling like hurling. "Mamoru-san this, Mamoru-san that," Rei was droning on, laughing so vacuously about what she had done with the college student the day before it was all the blonde could do not to reach over and lock her hands around the black-haired girl's neck. Even Luna was beginning to look peeved.

Curled up on top of Rei's bed, the small black feline's eyes were beginning to narrow. Deciding to take pity on her just so one of them could have some relief, Usagi reached over and trailed her fingers lightly over Luna's ears the way she knew she liked. Surprised, Luna purred and pressed into her hand, her red eyes meeting the blonde's; Usagi just smiled tiredly at her.

The alter-ego of Sailor Moon probably would have joined in the other girl's tirade not too long ago. Not about Mamoru-san, of course! Probably Motoki or Tuxedo Kamen, she shrugged internally to herself, loving how soft Luna's fur was. However, Usagi Tsukino had realized something.

She had been hiding. Seeing the way Kazuko-san and Hiromi-san had regarded each other, so obviously caring of each other… Usagi bit her lip, no longer paying any attention to Rei. She pulled Luna onto her lap.

Tuxedo Kamen and Motoki were just diversions. There had been a connection between the two animators, a connection Usagi was oddly attracted to. Even though Ami had been the first one to come into contact with them, Usagi had felt the desperate need to talk to one of them. Tadashita Kazuko-san had immediately intrigued her and made her feel at ease.

Stuttering, the young blonde had hesitantly asked the animator to tea the next day, bowing nonstop, her hair flopping over her shoulders nervously. Smiling so understandingly at her, Kazuko accepted, giving her a rough cel with contact information on it. Her face scarlet, Usagi had escaped, her heart beating so hard in her chest and her palms so sweaty she almost dropped the cel as she ran home.

Kazuko had been so nice. As Usagi had anxiously clutched her milkshake to her hand the whole conversation, sipping constantly, her shoulders hunched to her ears, the older girl had been so laid back and friendly that it didn't make Usagi feel as if, for once, she was a complete idiot.

"Sure, I've always wanted to be an animator! It was Hiromi's and mine dream, after all. We wanted to bring children's hearts entertainment and joy. Usagi-chan?" The brunette looked at her, smiling, "You like anime, don't you?"

Red crept up her face, and she twiddled with the straw in her drink, her right hand becoming cold and wet as condensation on the glass sides started to collect. "I know it seems childish, but I do." Usagi looked away, something huge in her chest pressing against her throat she had to let it all out, "I'm in awe, Hiromi-san, of just how dedicated you and Hiromi-san are! How did you become such good friends?"

"Friends. Yes, I guess Hiromi and I are good friends." Kazuko smiled brightly, her eyes closing with her joy. "I don't know where I would be now if Hiromi hadn't been there for me. She's so good, you know. To me."

She looked so happy Usagi had to watch her, entranced. That expression was what she had been missing in her life. How could someone just a couple of years older than she find someone to love like that?

Usagi suddenly sat up straight, the straw popping out of her mouth to splash into her chocolate shake. Kazuko watched her silently, her eyes so caring Usagi knew she could be as quiet for as long as she wanted to be. She dropped her eyes, looking down at the wood of the table.

This had been why she had invited Kazuko-san to tea. Finally releasing her shake, Usagi reached up and laid her cold hand against her cheek, expecting to feel nothing, all of the blood having rushed from her face. Her heart had pounded hard in her chest once, tripping over itself and quieting, a small fanfare to what the blonde had realized.

"Usagi-chan."

Looking up, tears spilled down her cheeks, slow and loud in their meaning; she hadn't even known they had been there. She opened her mouth, but she had nothing to say. There was a pressure in her head, but she didn't know what to do with it.

Kazuko's hands were relaxed around her tea cup, and her voice was soft and comforting; Usagi's gaze centered somewhere around her neck, watching her throat move with her words, "I'm glad you found me to talk to."

Yes, me too, she thought, brought back to the present when Luna rolled over, wanting Usagi to stroke her belly. Chuckling softly, she rubbed her fingers delicately through the warm fur. As much as Luna was a talking cat, she was still a cat. Usagi could feel her energized purring against her legs.

Rei was still talking avidly to the air, too caught up in her fantasies to even realize that she didn't have an audience anymore. Usagi didn't envy her. Although it was easy to go on and on about what you wished would happen, what ended up was usually not what you expected.

Thoughts of Mamoru always eventually turned to thoughts of Motoki-onee-san, and from there, Tuxedo Kamen. Usagi shivered. Tuxedo Kamen was cool, true, but who was he really, and whose side was he on? She brought her fingers back up to scratch under Luna's chin.

It was always easy, she mused, mistaking admiration and respect for a crush. And, feeling propriety over men was easy, especially if you felt like you had been the first to find him. But still… She paused, looking up to watch Rei's zeal, that doesn't mean you're attracted to them.

Letting Luna climb out of her lap, feeling nice when she rubbed her cheek against her knee in thanks, she propped her head onto her arms and slid down the table, stretching out her thighs and back. "Where's Ami-chan?" she whined, interrupting Rei's impassioned speech.

"Usagi-no-baka! Didn't you hear anything I said over the communicator? She's at cram school. Where you should be, I think." Rei stuck her nose up in the air, crossing her arms impatiently.

Pouting at her, Usagi closed her eyes and yawned, shifting to get comfortable, "Then I'll just go to sleep…" Without ceremony, she closed her eyes and pretended to.

Hearing Rei voice various sounds of disapproval, the Shinto Priestess finally quieted, breathing softly, flipping pages once in a while, reading a manga, no doubt. Luna had settled into her side, a warm little bundle deciding to join her.

It was always when Luna was quiet that Usagi felt the closest to her. When she talked, she reminded the blonde that she wasn't really just a cat, and she wasn't, definitely, a human. When Luna was just a cat, Usagi didn't have any responsibilities, and she could just relax, stroking her soft fur for hours. Her mind would turn to who she really was, not what people told her she was.

She opened her eyes and studied the girl across from her. Rei was an enigma. She was so cool, her presence so commanding. But when she let her guard down, when she was done defending her grandfather, she let herself become a teenage girl again, no longer just a priestess, Sailor Mars, but just plain, eager, excitable, stubborn, Rei Hino.

Usagi yawned again. It was hard pretending to sleep and not ending up doing so. Realizing that Rei wasn't going to stop reading at her noise, she resettled her gaze onto the black-haired girl.

She wondered idly what it would be like to kiss her friend. Looking at how curved her lips were, and how plump they were, she tried to imagine them touching her own. Would Rei's hair fall over her shoulder to brush against her face? Usagi absently brushed the side of her cheek, pushing away the phantom strands of ebony. How soft would her skin be? Her eyelashes? Her lips?

She let those thoughts drift from her mind. No matter how beautiful Rei was, Usagi wasn't attracted to her. It was just open curiosity. Sure, Rei was fit and curvy in the right places, but she didn't appeal to the blonde past being a friend. Her own personality and Rei's were just too… quarrelsome.

The clattering of Rei's wooden door sliding open caught Usagi's attention too much to let her slide back into her thoughts. Propping up her head, she smiled to see her sweet blue-haired friend step in, slipping off her afternoon shoes with ease.

"Sorry I'm late," Ami apologized, taking the seat next to Usagi at the low table. She was in a soft orange dress, an orange and white headband keeping her bangs out of her face. Usagi almost felt silly; she loved that look on the other girl.

As much as Rei was Usagi's opposite attraction, Ami was complete magnetism. Something inside of her was so pure and passionate that it drew the blonde to her. But Usagi wasn't going to go crazy over her without good reason. She was still young, and she had a lot to work on. If her feelings grew deeper, though, what could she do?

Ami's blue eyes flicked over to her, and the other girl smiled, a touch of red still on her cheeks from where she had hurried to make the meeting. Stretching, Luna sat up from Usagi's side and padded over to her, jumping up to twine around her shoulders, her black fur blending into deep blue tresses.

Usagi rested her head on her hand, reaching up to idly play with the hair by her ear. One day, she hoped that she would have the effortless grace Ami had. Now, though, she was attracted to it as yet she felt too rough and inexperienced to be close to her.

Deep down, Usagi was scared and intimidated by everyone, feeling like she drifted between two worlds: what people wanted her to be, and who she truly was. Fortunately, she was already an eager person, and she could hide behind that. But no one had gotten close enough to see the real her, not even Luna. Ami had gotten close before there had been a Sailor Mars, but that period of time had not been nearly enough to really bond with or crack the normally quiet girl's shield completely.

But she wanted to. Usagi really wanted to.

Rei put down the manga she had been reading, straightening up and brushing her hair behind her shoulder. "This really bothers me," she said, placing her fist onto the table solidly, "Everything Nephrite's been coming up with lately seems to be more desperate."

"That's true," Luna agreed, "What is he afraid of?"

"Wait a minute!" Usagi burst out, tilting her head, "Doesn't this mean that he's about to be replaced? The last time Jedite got desperate, Nephrite came in."

Rei chewed on the nail of her thumb, thinking deeply. Ami nodded, giving Usagi another of her supportive smiles. Usagi grinned back at her, thinking, what could I do to make her always smile at me?

Luna made a sound of agreement. "Usagi has a good point. Maybe Ami-chan and Rei-chan are rubbing off on you!" She jumped off of Ami's shoulders, done with her greeting, landing with quiet paws on the table.

Usagi drew her eyebrows together, pouting. How come she never got the credit? Her stomach rumbled. Feeling disappointed always made her hungry. Deciding that she had been subjected to sitting for too long, she stood up, stretching out her legs and back.

"Usagi?" Luna asked, alarmed, "Where are you going?"

"Yeah," Rei chimed in, crossing her arms, "We're not done talking about this."

Usagi threw cross looks at the both of them. She was beginning to think that when they got together, Luna and Rei were worse than Mamoru. "What makes you think I'm going to leave?" she flopped back down, leaning back on her hands so she could keep her legs straight.

"Guys," Ami interjected, her soft voice cutting the tension in the room, "Please. We won't get anywhere if we fight all the time." Her small hands were resting on her thighs, and just because she looked, Usagi could see that there was some anxiety in her grip. She knew Ami never liked it when they bickered, usually taking Usagi's side.

Blowing air up at her bangs, Usagi decided that she would be the mature one for once. Dropping her shoulders, she leaned back, relaxing all of her muscles so she felt like a blob. "I'm not leaving. I just wanted to stretch. We should continue talking about the Dark Kingdom."

"Hmph," Rei grumbled but seemed to accept the explanation. Luna settled back down, the tip of her tail flicking back and forth.

There was a knock at the door, and Luna immediately shut her mouth, ready to become the silent cat again.

"Rei-chan," the voice of Rei's grandfather spoke through the door, "would the pretty girls like some rice and tea?"

Rei sweatdropped, opening her mouth to speak, but Usagi beat her to it. Jumping up, the blonde threw open the door and glommed onto the tray that the small man held, thanking him profusely. Seeing the blonde, Oji-san grinned widely and started hopping from side to side, waving his prayer sticks, "Pretty girl, would you like to become a part-time priestess for this shrine? It would give you much fortune!"

Rei quickly ushered her grandfather out before Usagi could answer, shutting the door quickly after him. "Honestly, Oji-chan," she muttered to herself, sighing.

Usagi blinked, holding the tray. She had been tempted to accept the offer, but whenever the old man got close, Rei always pushed him away or shut him out. It was kind of sad, but the blonde knew it was just because Rei was ashamed and embarrassed by her surrogate father.

She set down the tray, quiet. Ami looked at her with concerned blue eyes, but Usagi just smiled reassuringly at her. One of these days, Usagi would sit down and have a real talk with Oji-san; without Rei there to be stubborn. Something in him seemed so kind, yet there was loneliness in him also, and Usagi was drawn to loneliness, experiencing so much of it herself.

She sipped her tea, bringing her attention back to the conversation happening around her. Was it her fault she was so bored? She didn't quite think it was.

***

Walking with Ami back towards their homes, Usagi sighed and looked up the street, carrying Luna around her neck. Sneaking quick glances at the girl next to her, Usagi suddenly couldn't take it anymore. Whirling around and grabbing Ami's hands into her own, she looked earnestly into her eyes, ignoring Luna's digging claws into her skin.

Surprised, Ami stopped, her mouth opening and a slight blush appearing high on her cheeks. "Usagi-chan?" she asked curiously.

"Mm?" Luna meowed into her ear, and Usagi sweatdropped, dropping the other girl's hands. Scooping Luna off of her shoulders, she leaned over and deposited her on the ground, patting her head.

"Luna? Can you walk home alone tonight? I want to talk to Ami about something." Flashing her guardian a cheery smile and victory sign, she didn't even wait for the black cat's answer, taking Ami's arm into hers and leading her down the street. She could hear Luna's perturbed huff.

"Usagi-chan?" Ami asked again, looking at her so sweetly Usagi had to blush. Her heart started to become louder in her chest, and her hands were beginning to sweat, so she dropped the blue-haired girl's arm. Smoothing them onto the fabric of her shorts, she asked, her shoulder bumping against the taller girl's, "Ami-chan?"

"Yes?"

Usagi couldn't believe how patient her friend was being. Her heart constricted, and she absently reached over and laced her hand with Ami's.

Ami's breath hitched with surprise, and her fingers were hesitant to hold hers in return. Finally, they squeezed back. Amazed, Usagi looked down at their joined hands.

It wasn't the first time she and Ami had held hands, but it had never been so intimate, their fingers entwined. Taking a deep breath, she looked just above Ami's nose, her eyes barely meeting the blue-haired girl's.

"Did you want to go on that cruise with Rei?"

Ami searched her face, and the blonde felt she had to clarify. "I mean… Did you want to go with… Rei? Not… Someone else?"

"Someone else?" Ami repeated, her voice quiet. There was an unreadable expression on her face, but her eyes were nervous when they met Usagi's.

"Like…" Usagi licked her lips. "Like me?"

Ami's eyes widened, and red suddenly blossomed on her cheeks. "Usagi-chan, what?" Her words were broken, and she took a step away, dropping her hand. "What do you mean?" She wouldn't look at her.

Usagi took a step forward desperately, feeling a sudden choking sensation engulf her chest. "Ami!" she cried, wanting the blue-haired girl to look at her. "I just – I just… wanted to know…" Seeing no reaction, she sniffed and turned away.

Stupid stupid stupid! She yelled at herself, using her arm to wipe her eyes. Slapping her face quickly and repeatedly, she mustered a smile from the bottom of her stomach, and twirled back around. "Aheheheh," she laughed nervously, almost wincing at how fake it seemed even to herself, but not willing to lose her smile, "Don't mind me!" With her hand behind her head, she laughed again. Seeing no reaction from Ami's hunched shoulder, she lost her smile, but bravely mustered forth.

"See, I was just wondering, cuz' we haven't had a chance to hang out together lately, and I know that was a stupid way to phrase a question, but I really didn't think I was doing any wrong, and…"

"Usagi no baka!" Ami finally cried, whirling around, slapping her hands down on either side of Usagi's shoulders, stopping the blonde cold. Startled at the usually quiet girl's actions, Usagi blinked, unwilling to move. "Ha-hai?"

"Just… Shut up!"

"Eh? Hai!" Usagi jerked her head forward, an automatic response. She was about to say more, but the tears beginning to crowd the corners of the other girl's eyes shocked her to silence.

And then, as if surprised by her own violent actions, Ami blinked and dropped her hands. Her expression crumpling, she issued a strangled, "I'm so-sorry!" and ran down the street.

"I… Ami-chan!" Calling after her, Usagi blinked for a second before taking off to sprint after her.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hey all. This is just a short chapter to tide you over till I'm done working on the next (longer!) chapter. I hope you can bear with me, but it is pretty …interesting… working on so many stories at the same time. But I'm finding it fun, so expect more coming up soon (hopefully faster than this one came). I thank you in advance for your patience.

And again, the switching of Kazuko and Hiromi fixed!

* * *

For all the running Usagi did on any given day, Ami surprisingly had a set of strong legs of her own, and with determination, she lost Usagi within two blocks. That, or she had ducked into a store or behind a house without the blonde noticing.

Hands placed on her knees and doubled over, breathing heavily, Usagi blinked her eyes to avoid the sweat pricking on her forehead. Watching her ponytails that flopped in front of her face shake minutely with each deep breath she took, the blonde's mind was racing so fast, she couldn't decipher anything. As soon as she could get a normal breath of air into her lungs, she turned and leaned against a wall that surrounded the house next to her. She sunk down to sit with her legs stretched in front of her, eyes still focused down.

A soft rustling and taps of padded feet made Usagi aware of Luna's presence before the cat leapt from the wall above to her lap.

Letting out an oomph, Usagi reached up and pulled the small cat close to her, fingers curling in her fur. "Luna…" she breathed, finally looking up to scan the street to her right, "I think I just did something incredibly stupid." Feeling the hard stone of depression settle into her stomach, she knew it was true.

"What's wrong, Usagi?" Luna pressed her head firmly into Usagi's chest, purring soothingly.

Usagi shook her head. "Not now."

After a second, Luna nodded, settling down, "Okay."

There was more silence, and Usagi watched a lone bicyclist peddle down the street. After he had turned the corner, the blonde sighed, drawing up her knees. With a squawk, Luna hastily wriggled herself some breathing room, crawling up the blonde's legs so her front paws rested on the girl's knees.

Usagi knew Luna was looking up at her worriedly, but she just scratched the black cat's shoulders instead of saying anything. She didn't think there was any way she could do damage control. No, it was all up to her to face the stupid emotional situation she had put herself in.

Groaning loudly, Usagi dropped her arms limply on either side of her and looked straight up, stretching her throat to stop the involuntary sounds she knew would come next. Eyes pressed closed, she studied the back of her eyelids. Kazuko. Kazuko-san might be able to help. At the least, Usagi would expend a lot of the initial emotional reactions talking to her, and hopefully, when she talked to Ami next, she wouldn't scare her off again with the intensity of her feelings.

Having made up her mind, a long, body racking sigh exited her body. Flopping her head forward again, opening tired eyes to look into Luna's, Usagi shared a ghost of a smile with her friend.

"Alright, Luna, let's go home."

*

On the phone, Kazuko sounded happy to meet her, suggesting a meeting that evening. At first surprised at the sudden plans, Usagi realized that the older girl must have picked up on her urgency. After getting a quick okay from her mother that she could miss dinner, she hung up, grabbing her jacket. Even if it would be a while until Kazuko actually met her at the café, the blonde knew that she didn't have anything else to keep her from drowning in her emotions. She could grab a table and find something to occupy her mind, maybe even try to organize her thoughts for the conversation ahead.

Luna lay on the bed, watching her. The tip of her tail moved back and forth, and, as an itch in her ear distracted her, she batted at the tip, an annoyed expression slitting her eyes. Usagi caught the motion in her mirror as she pulled her pink shoulder bag down. Ohh.

Luna must be so confused, Usagi thought. Tucking the bag under her arm, Usagi walked over to the bed and took a seat next to her friend. If she put off explaining anything to the little feline, things would just get more stressful; she really hated the position she had put herself in.

"I know you're probably going to go over to Ami's house later today, so I guess I should say something to you before you do. After all," Usagi shrugged her shoulders, "I have no idea what she's going to tell you. Do me a favor, though? Please keep Rei-chan out of this." As the de facto coach of the senshi, Luna made it her job to keep civility between the girls.

Luna nodded.

"Great." Usagi smiled thinly, falling back to splay across her bed. Turning to face Luna, she listened to the crinkling of her sheets, reaching up to pull her ponytail out from under her neck where it had pulled with her movement. Luna shuffled forward on her belly.

She really, really didn't want to have this conversation before she talked to Kazuko-san. What could she possibly say that would be truthful, yet have enough white lies in it that she didn't expose herself? Suddenly, her mind flashed to something the older girl had said at their meeting, and she knew she could ad lib a version that would work. She turned her head back up so she faced the ceiling, hoping that would help her brain and help conceal any betraying expressions she might show.

"Ami… Ami-chan and I are good friends." She looked out of the corner of her eye to see if her first line had gone over well. Luna had one eyebrow raised, but she was still listening.

A little heartened, Usagi licked her lips and started again. "But there's something I, uh, I like, I guess, that Ami doesn't. And I tried to force," she swallowed at the word, "That liking onto her. Even if she really doesn't know or understand that I did. She still took offence."

"…Nani? Usagi, as usual, you're not making any sense."

Frowning at the black cat's words, Usagi reached over with her right arm and flicked her lightly on her crescent moon. Turning over onto her stomach to complete the twisting, she half-heartedly tried to dodge the swipe of Luna's paw that followed.

It was very hard trying to say something without saying anything. Resting her chin on her arms, she started studying the wall of photographs that her bed stood against. She smiled at little grinning Naru and Usagi faces. Photos of her and the pretty brunette took up most of the collage.

The images spanned from a kindergarten pic of playing in the sandbox together to the image of Usagi with her arm slung around Naru's neck, the both of them grinning through ice cream mustaches that had been taken at the beginning of the current school year. That had been a fun day, she thought, letting her mind wander.

Before Luna, the transformation brooch, and even before she had really noticed Ami, there had always been Osaka Naru. Her friend since practically ever, she and Usagi had always managed to have fun every day they were together. Naru was the one she complained about school and family with, and the one she always ran to in need. With her sparkling green eyes and quick grin, Naru had always been there. Pretty, kind, silly, patient, Naru.

Tracing a finger slowly over her best friend's smiling, ice cream covered face, Usagi realized she had all but abandoned her. With her duties as Sailor Moon, her confusion and ache for Ami, and her struggle with her identity, a trusting Naru had been pushed into a far corner of her mind. She came to the decision that after her meeting with Kazuko, she was going to call her best friend to arrange a best friend hang out day, where she would sneak a serious conversation in between the fun. Un-tacking the photo from the wall, she pushed herself up to put it in her bag. She slid to the edge of the bed, backing off.

Usagi paused. Turning around slowly, she looked straight at the cat grooming herself in the middle of the bed. Evidently, her little feline friend had decided she wasn't going to get any more out of her charge.

"Say, Luna," she mused, propping her hand on her hip, tilting her head inquiringly, "Just how long were you spying on Ami-chan and me, anyway?"

Luna stopped mid-lick. "Eh heh heh heh…"

Usagi's mouth gaped open. She stared at the slowly shuffling backwards black cat. "You were there the whole time?? Luna!" Her voice rose with every word.

Luna frantically looked back and forth from where Usagi was moving in to the open window. "I, I, uh, Usagi-chan!" she whined as Usagi moved to block her from escaping, "I didn't mean to, I swear! But there was a delicious smell coming from the wall above you, and I just had to investigate…"

"Sure you did, you little pest!" And, with a practiced leap, Usagi unleashed her attack.

Small paws and a tail were no match for Usagi's determined fingers, and pretty soon Luna was rolling around on her back, mouth wide open with shrieking laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Short chapter, I know. Having trouble smoothing out the rest I've written.

* * *

She stared down at the slice of cake she had ordered, not seeing it. The small silver fork was still resting gently next to the confection, no crumbs or spots of frosting marring the reflective surface. The topping of cream had turned shiny under the hot lights, the maraschino cherry settling in a little lower than when the waiter had set it down.

Usagi did not notice any of this. To her, if anything, the surface of what she looked at was like a mixture of faded brown and yellow blurs, seeming so far away there was no reason to concentrate on it at all. Instead, images and phrases from earlier ran in front of her eyes.

While she had hoped that she would be able to gather her thoughts and work out some of the pain she felt while waiting for Kazuko-san to come, it certainly hadn't happened. For the past half hour, she had been staring at the cake. She had only ordered it so she wouldn't look out of place holding a table, anyway. But for as long as the cake had sat there, the blonde was getting more and more depressed.

She and the girls had passed by the café about a week ago, Ami offhandedly mentioning that it was a café she and her mother often frequented. At the time, Usagi had happily filed away the information. Now, she wondered why on earth she had suggested meeting there.

The sound of Kazuko taking the seat across from her managed to distract her, and she looked up.

"That looks good," Kazuko smiled, nodding at the cake. She unwound a thin white scarf from her neck, hanging it with her jacket on the back of her chair. Shaking her hair out and fixing her headband, the older girl leaned forward, "What is it?"

"What?" Blinking, Usagi looked down and realized that she didn't know exactly what it was called. When the waiter had arrived to take her order, she had randomly pointed at the menu, pretty sure that whatever she picked would be good. She hadn't even noticed that it was a dessert item, either. Her eyebrows drew together as she stared at it. "Oh. I'm not sure. Yellow… Chocolate… Lemon Yellow Chocolate Cake? I really don't know. Can I…?" She motioned at the menu Kazuko had brought with her.

Kazuko nodded and opened the menu instead. "Lemon Yellow Chocolate Cake? Sounds good. It might be fun to have some dessert." It looked like the brunette was going to try to find it herself.

While she busied herself doing so, Usagi looked down at the cake slice again, really only seeing it for the second time. It looked sad. Like her. Like it wanted it to be eaten. Not like her. If only she could only muster enough appetite to eat it! She picked up the fork, hoping that might help. But the ache in her stomach made it too full to want any food. She couldn't believe she was so depressed she couldn't eat.

In hope, she sliced a small piece off and brought it towards her mouth. Usually, her mouth would open whenever she saw food coming near. This time, she stared at the piece cross-eyed, mouth closed. Sighing, she placed the fork back down onto the plate. Maybe she could box it for later. Give it to someone. It did look like something Ami would like…

"Not hungry?" Kazuko asked, setting the menu back onto the table.

"No…" Usagi shook her head, knowing a sad expression had settled onto her face. Sighing, she shifted in her chair, feeling too jumpy and anxious with all the worry on her mind. Still, she really should thank Kazuko for coming to meet her. She hadn't done that already, had she? She bowed slightly in her chair. "Thank you for coming, Kazuko-san. I really appreciate it."

The older girl studied her face, probably noticing how agitated she was. "It's okay. I didn't have any plans. Besides, I said you could always call me." She smiled, crossing her arms on the table and leaning against them. "But… Is everything okay?"

No, no, everything wasn't okay! Usagi swallowed and shook her head.

"You want to talk about it?"

"…Yes." Not sure why she hesitated at first, she found that she was very reluctant to have the words she wanted to say come out of her mouth. While Kazuko would probably be able to help her, Usagi knew she would be fighting a useless battle not to cry. As if called, an urgent pressure started beating in her chest. She tried to swallow it back.

"Uhm… Today… Well…" the blonde dropped her head, pushing the plate of cake out of her line of sight. For some reason, looking at it made her feel nauseas. The table wasn't very big, but she managed to push it next to the edge close to her right arm where it would be easily ignored. She sighed. For some reason, this was even harder than telling Luna! At least with the cat, she was able to lie and not say anything specific.

She crushed a napkin between her hands, "I messed up."

Kazuko nodded, staying quiet. Her eyes were bright and caring.

Usagi continued worrying the napkin in her hands, starting to rip at the paper as the _weirdness_ started to push against her heart. "I… You remember Ami-chan?"

The brunette nodded. "Yes." She straightened and rested her chin on her palm.

"I, well…"

The arrival of the waiter saved her from more verbal fumbling, "Is your cake not satisfactory?"

Wincing a little, Usagi looked up to see the politely concerned expression on the young man's face. "It's fine," she shook her head, "I just decided I wasn't hungry right now. May I have a box to take it home…?"

"Of course." Deciding that the matter was finished, the waiter then turned to Kazuko, "Are you ready to order?"

Studying Usagi with dark eyes, Kazuko finally turned towards the waiter and answered, "Just a cup of hot orange tea would be fine for now, thank you."

"Very well." The waiter nodded and, with one last look at Usagi, walked away.

"…You're not hungry?" It was Usagi's turn to ask.

The brunette shrugged, smiling at her. "It's not urgent. Besides," she propped her chin onto her hand, "Looking at you, I'm not sure we're going to be staying that long."

Usagi gave a sudden 'hah!' sound, flushing and nodding guiltily.

The table was silent for the next couple of minutes. Kazuko's tea arrived, a box came for the slice of cake, and she spent the whole time trying to formulate the words she wanted to say out loud.

Usagi's phone beeped.

Drawing it from her pocket, she felt her palms start to sweat.

And, as the animation of the little bunny ran across the screen holding an envelope in its hand, the words 'From: Ami-chan' seared into her brain.

Her thoughts whirled and tumbled all over each other. Her eyes flew up to stare at Kazuko, a stricken expression staining her face.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I figured I wanted to explain something here. I'm pretty much basing this story off of myself, off what happened to me when I was around Usagi's age. So that's why Usagi is the way she is. :} I just wish I had a Kazuko of my own, darnit! *grin*

* * *

Usagi suddenly found herself hyper-ventilating. The pressure that had been building in her chest all evening burst, spreading out from her lungs. Her thumb felt as if it was made out of lead, her fingers trembling around the phone.

"Usagi-chan?" she heard Kazuko ask through the hot fog that had invaded her head. "Usagi-chan, everything okay?"

"K-k-kazuko-san," she stuttered out, "Should I open the text?" Her heart beat madly.

"Text…? …Oh. Usagi." Reaching out a slightly cold hand to touch the blonde's wrist, the older girl used her other hand to offer her her napkin. Unaware tears had started to trickle down her face, Usagi stared blindly at her for a couple of seconds. Kazuko offered a smile, lowered the napkin, and then answered her question with one of her own, "Do you want to know what it says?"

Usagi nodded wordlessly. She was surprised she could still breathe with the constriction of her throat.

"Then," leaning back and taking a sip of her tea, letting a small puff of air escape her lips, Kazuko looked her straight in the eye, "Read it. Though I can't tell you what to do."

Blinking a couple of times, she looked down at the bunny seemingly waiting for her. What… would it say? Would it hurt? Would Ami apologize? But what did Ami have to apologize for? _Usagi_ was the one who jumped on her! Clenching her phone tightly to stop it from slipping from her grip – something the blonde knew was absurd to even think she would let it fall – she brought it up closer to her face, hunching her shoulders in close.

Swallowing and holding back the ragged breathing that wanted to come out, she clicked the 'Accept' button.

She blinked.

'Can we talk about what happened?'

What did that _mean_??

Reading over the scant sentence over and over again until the letters started to blur in her vision, Usagi suddenly found that her fingers had become numb. Watching in slow motion as her cell slipped and fell, clattering on the table, the rushing sound swallowed her again.

What did that mean? Can we talk? Talk? How would they talk? What was Ami going to say? What was _she_ going to say?

Trying to take a deep breath and failing, she gingerly picked her phone back up and, happy to see that no harm had come to it, she slowly wrote back.

'When?'

Closing her eyes and slipping her phone back into her pocket, Usagi knew she was acting absurdly. But, as her shoulders drooped and her hair fell forward to obscure her face, she knew that she did not feel better. Not at all.

Kazuko shifted in front of her, and she knew she should look up, pay attention to her, and explain. But she couldn't. She felt so ashamed. Such like a young girl in the midst of a tantrum. What was the older girl thinking of her? Usagi hadn't called her out just to fall apart on her!

As if hearing her inner thoughts, all the uncomfortable feelings suddenly exploded inside of her again. Knowing she had to do something before she completely collapsed, Usagi forced herself to look up at her friend.

"Kazuko- san…" she whispered, hearing a telltale trembling in her voice. She swallowed, pasting an obviously fake smile on her face that quickly turned into a grimace. "Can we… Leave?"

"If you - oh. Of course!" Standing quickly, Kazuko pulled her wallet out of a jacket pocket. "Why don't you go get some fresh air while I settle this?" the older girl motioned to the front door with a movement of her head.

"But I can-!"

"Usagi-chan," Kazuko cut her off, making sure the blonde was looking her in the eyes before she smiled reassuringly, "Go. I understand. And it doesn't matter, okay? Go."

The brunette's smile pierced through the overwhelming pressure that had continued growing. Trusting that the older girl wouldn't take offense, Usagi turned and fled outside.

*

Kazuko found her curled up on a bench located just outside of the park, a couple of stores down from the café. Usagi had her arms wrapped around her legs, face pressed close into her knees. Aftershock trembles still moved through her small body.

The young girl had a vague sense of someone sitting next to her, near without being too close. She raised her head, a couple of tears falling from where they had collected in her eyes, following the trail others had just left behind. "I'm sorry," she whispered, blurry eyes finding Kazuko's and quickly flicking away, "I don't know… This has never happened to me before…" The end of her sentence almost started her crying again.

Kazuko ruffled around in another pocket of her jacket, finally pulling out a small packet of tissues. She offered them to Usagi, who hesitantly took them. Knowing the silent question, one side of her mouth turned up, "Hiromi's allergies.

"Usagi-chan," Kazuko pulled her legs up, swiveling on the bench seat to face the younger girl, "Please don't apologize. I'm familiar with it." She had a soft, knowing expression on her face, concern shining through her brown eyes.

Usagi took out a tissue and wiped her eyes, blowing her nose when she was done. Not knowing what to do with it, she crumpled it up to hide in her hand. She moved to rest her head against her knees again, but tears had dampened her jeans. She made a quick face and moved one of her arms to cover her knees, laying her head on that. "What was it?" she asked curiously, suddenly feeling much better than she had ever since she had entered the café. And she had stopped trembling.

Kazuko's smile was bittersweet. "A panic attack. You must have had a very stressful day."

Panic attack. Usagi mouthed the words. She really didn't like the sound of that. "Is it going to happen again?" she asked in a small voice.

"It might. It might not. I have no way of knowing. Everybody's different."

"Oh." Usagi gazed at the dark street in front of her, breathing deeply. "It wasn't nice. My heart beat so fast I thought it might burst."

"Uhmm." After a second, Kazuko let out a breath quietly. "Usagi-chan," she turned back to the younger girl, smiling again. "Sometimes talking about it helps. Do you think you'd be able to? While I'm very curious," the brunette almost grinned impishly at her, then sobering, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

Usagi tried to read her body. She didn't feel as depressed, but she knew how quickly her emotions could change. She really did need to talk about Ami, though. That's what she'd called the older girl for, in the first place! "I'll try," she finally offered, still sounding a bit unsure.

However, the words she meant to say didn't come. Instead, Usagi found herself talking about her friend Naru, and the distance that was spreading between them. When her phone beeped again, all she did was tense, but did not take it out.

Finally, as there was a lull in conversation, Kazuko kicked her legs out. "Was Naru the one who texted you?"

Startled, Usagi's gaze flicked up to meet the brunette's. "I… No," she breathed, shaking her head. Looking back down at her knees, she drew them in closer.

Studying her and worrying her lower lip, Kazuko seemed to come to some conclusion. "Well!" she jumped down from the bench, brushing her legs off, "It seems to be getting late. Do you need a ride, Usagi-chan?"

Startled a little at the sudden question, Usagi shook her head, smiling shyly. "Uhm, no thank you. I think I want – I want to walk."

"You sure? It's a little chilly." The older girl laced her hands behind her back, smiling back.

"Oh, no, that's okay." Patting her bag that she had laid down next to the bench, Usagi slid over and stood up as well, stretching out her limbs, "I have an extra jacket in my bag."

"Good. Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

Stopping her movement of bending down to retrieving her bag, Usagi pushed back a ponytail that had fallen forward and swallowed. "N-no," she started out quietly, looking up to meet Kazuko's eyes, "You've really helped me. Thank you." She knew that even if she could get up the strength to talk about Ami, it would just put a strain on Kazuko's generosity – she'd already talked enough.

Slipping her hands into her pockets after wrapping her scarf back around her neck, Kazuko smiled. "Alright. Ne, Usagi-chan, Hiromi and I were planning on having a small party this weekend. You're invited, and you can bring anyone you so choose, if you'd like."

Eyes widening, images of what such a party could be like flitted quickly past her vision. "G-girls only?" Usagi squeaked out, the only way she could put her question into quick, hasty, non-offensive words.

Blinking, and then swallowing back a giggle, Kazuko looked down, hiding her grin. Pulling strands of brown hair that had been caught by her scarf free, she finally shook her head. "No, Usagi-chan," she laughed a little, "It's not just a 'girl' party. A couple of our animator friends are coming as well. You don't need to be nervous."

That made Usagi feel better. She wasn't quite… Comfortable with the idea of large amounts of… 'Like-minded' people. Was she supposed to act a certain way? Were there certain words to use? While Kazuko and Hiromi seemed like wonderful, normal people, the blonde wasn't sure if they were the norm or not. Popular culture had very conflicting views…

Anyway! Snapping herself back into the present, the younger girl couldn't stop a huge grin from taking over her face. "Sounds fun," she said, slipping on a heavier jacket over her other one and zipping it up, "Thank you! I'll see what my schedule's like."

It really did thrill her to no end that the brunette still wanted to be around her, and that she hadn't scared her off. Still feeling a little on edge with her nerves, she had to swallow back tears as she mumbled softly, "I'm… I'm really thankful that you're here for me, Kazuko-san."

Kazuko smiled almost wistfully back at her. "You're welcome, Usagi-chan. No worries." The older girl then surprised her by taking a few steps forward and hugging her. As Usagi brought her arms up to hug her back, Kazuko squeezed her tightly and whispered in her ear, "You really remind me of myself, Usagi-chan."

"I do?"

"Yes. Maybe that's why I care so much for you. Well," pulling back and making a funny expression, Kazuko stuck out her tongue, "At least I enjoy talking to you."

Usagi blushed. "I'm glad," she muttered, dropping her arms. "I enjoy talking to you too."

A huge smile split the brunette's face. "Then we are in accord. Good. Alright! I must be off." Squeezing Usagi's hand affectionately and smiling once more at her repeated thanks, Kazuko turned to go. "Oh, I almost forgot," the older girl said to herself, then knelt down to pick up a small box that had been set down behind the bench.

"Here," Kazuko righted herself, "I grabbed your cake for you."

Accepting the confection, Usagi stared at the box. She had… _Forgotten_ it? "Th-thank you," she said distractedly.

"No problem. See ya!"

"See ya."

Waving back to Kazuko as she walked down the street, she stared at the box again.

An overwhelming feeling surged through her body, making her legs weak. The urge to yell out and call Kazuko back pushed against her throat, and she had to swallow it back. Ami…

Almost tearing her phone out of her pocket, Usagi's thumb quickly brought the new text up.

'I'd like to talk tonight.'

She stopped breathing.


	5. Chapter 5

Staring at the phone in her hand, Usagi's brain whirled. Talk? By phone? Text? Phone call?

She swallowed. In person?

She felt blindly for the bench she had been sitting on not even five minutes before. Collapsing onto it, her back made a loud 'whumph' sound against the solid wooden planks.

The bottom of her closed fist hit the wood next to her thigh. This wasn't fair. There was no hint of how Ami was feeling in those five words. 'I'd like to talk tonight.' Well, what if Usagi didn't want to talk to her?

No… That was silly. Shaking her head, Usagi pressed her hand against her eyes, willing them not to leak tears again. She really did want to talk to Ami.

…Even if it was to lie outright. A deep, body shaking sigh left her lungs.

Wind rushed past her, and she pulled the collar of her over-jacket up, wishing she had thought to bring her own scarf. Though the days had been fairly warm recently, the nights still held on to cooler temperatures. Wiping away the few tears that had escaped her eyes before the cold air could linger on the wet tracks they had left, Usagi felt another surge of anger hit her.

This whole… This whole situation was stupid! What had happened to her lofty ideals of not letting her feelings grow? What had happened to growing up more? Why in the _hell _had she slipped up that afternoon?

Thinking back over the day that had happened – normal morning ritual, normal school day, normal hanging out at the temple… Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. So what had changed? What had managed to crack her resolve to ignore how Ami made her feel?

It suddenly struck Usagi how irrational she was being. It didn't matter what had caused her to confront Ami outright. It had happened, and she couldn't turn back time. So now, all she could do was to gather herself, calm down, and move forward. If Ami didn't return her feelings, then that was it. Usagi would lick her wounds and go on.

It wasn't as if, even if it did come out that Usagi was attracted to her, Ami would tell anyone. And though the blonde was truly hoping she could come up with some other reason for her outburst, she was sure she could come out of the conversation with some of her pride intact.

…Of course, those were all big words. The real world was messier, but if she could convince herself for even a second that everything would turn out well, maybe her heart would stop hurting.

Gathering her feet up to hug her knees again, Usagi read over the text she had typed in. Short and succinct, she hoped it hid how she was feeling.

'Okay. Where would you like to meet?'

She watched the bunny animation hop away, delivering the text, wondering if she was doing the right thing.

* * *

Walking along the quiet streets, little box clutched safely in her hands, shoulder bag slung comfortably around her neck and right shoulder, Usagi knew that it was a foolish thing to be heading home without knowing if she would just have to turn around and head somewhere in the opposite direction. But she was still doing it. Sitting on the bench had quickly lost its luster as the cool night had set in, and she really had nowhere else to go. Besides, if she got home before Ami returned her message, then she'd have a legitimate reason not to show.

However, three blocks away from the café, her phone beeped. Not sure if she should be happy or disappointed, she tapped the message open.

'Where are you?'

Okay, this was ridiculous. Stopping and leaning her hip against a short fence that stretched around a small park, she passed a quick hand over her face, angled herself away from the wind so her shoulder would block her phone, and dialed Ami's number. Trembling a little and heart pounding in her chest and neck, she listened to the tinny ringing noise. If she waited for plans to be finalized by text, her whole night would be one big mass of nerves and pointless waiting spells.

She wasn't sure her heart could take it.

On the second and half ring, a quiet click signaled that Ami had answered.

Hissing silence enveloped her ear for ten seconds. Then, a quiet voice hesitantly greeted her. "…Hello?"

Usagi's throat suddenly closed. Shifting her hips, she swung the elbow of the arm that held the phone out and back, her other hand almost digging her fingernails into the cake box. Swallowing to get back her voice, she finally mustered out, "I-I figured it would be better to call. You know, before half the night was, uhm, lost."

At night, the park looked creepy, tall streetlamps each illuminating only the area right under their long stems. Having paused right in between two of them, the light barely touched her. Even though most of her attention was on her phone, she couldn't stop the nervous roving of her eyes around the park and surrounding area, trying to make sense of the oblong shapes that rose up and faded as random streetlamps flickered.

A slight rustling noise, and Ami replied, her voice a little stronger but still quiet, "Hold on a second, please." There were more rustling noises, and then a muted conversation, followed by the sound of a door opening and closing.

Feeling the cold start to seep in again despite her best efforts, she did a strange little dance. What was Ami doing?

"Can you go to the Crown Arcade?"

Usagi blinked. If she was three blocks away from the café, then the arcade would be about five blocks away on the _other_ side. Which would mean that she'd have to backtrack. Quickly, she glanced at her watch and ignored the nervous flip in her stomach.

"O-okay… I can do that. Might take me a bit, though."

"That's fine." It sounded like Ami took a deep breath. "…Usagi-chan?"

Usagi gulped. "Ha-hai?" Her body had shook at the mention of her name. Why… How could Ami's voice hold such sway over her?

Quiet and soft, sweet, her words carefully pronounced… The blue haired girl had a voice that Usagi could easily recognize. It wasn't just the cadence of her words or the deliberate way she chose to express herself that made Ami unique. No… Not only that.

"…I'll meet you soon."

Usagi almost laughed. Trying to slow down her heartbeat that had thundered heavily up and down her body at the mention of her name, she realized what it was that touched her so deeply.

Ami's voice was always, always hopeful.

"Yeah." Biting back a sudden sob, Usagi moved her head down and smiled painfully. "I'll see you soon."

Closing her phone, she dropped into a crouch, almost bruising her bottom against her ankles. "Baka," she crushed her face into her hands, "What were you expecting her to _say_?"

For the next few minutes, the wind swallowed her tears.

* * *

The arcade was as bright and cheery as it always was. A little more crowded, maybe, but that was only because the after school and after work groups had arrived. Shouldering her way through the clusters of high school students and young businessmen, Usagi managed to squeeze herself over to the small booth Ami had managed to acquire and keep from being absorbed.

Truthfully, she had arrived minutes before, giving herself some time to calm down before she looked for the girl she was meeting. Taking off her outer-jacket and slinging it over her arm, she had scanned the bustling shop, her stomach exploding every time she got a glimpse of the color blue. She wasn't able to stop it; her body, taking cues from her mind, was a mixture of nausea and painful excitement.

Black jacket, short black hair, no. Ponytailed man with glasses, of course not. Young girl still in her school uniform; guess she hadn't had time to go home yet. But it wasn't Ami, either. Over the sea of predominantly black coats, Usagi searched with baited breath. And then, with a hot flash that infused her whole body, her eyes met another blue gaze.

Ami looked like she had been waiting for her. Her body angled halfway between the table and front door of the arcade, Usagi wondered how she had missed her in the first place. A powder blue parka unzipped most of the way was the second thing Usagi noticed, other than her eyes. It was covering the orange dress Ami had been wearing earlier that day, the puffy material giving the slim girl an impression of being bigger than she really was. Usagi wondered if her friend had been warm enough just wearing that.

In the harsh light that poured down, she realized, mouth open, that Ami looked miserable.

Usagi wasn't aware of anything else while she crossed the room, absently ducking around people. She stood hesitantly at the edge of the table for a few seconds before setting down the cake box, then dropped her bag and jacket against the corner of the booth and slid in. Clearing her throat, she took a deep breath and looked up. "H-hi."

"Good evening." Ami's voice was quiet, with a slight waver. It made Usagi's stomach twist. How could she have done something that so obviously bothered her terribly? Her eyes partially hidden behind her glasses, the blue haired girl smiled hesitantly at her.

Usagi sucked in a breath, and her hands closed a little tighter around the cake box she had been holding to make her palms stop sweating. The fact that Ami was even smiling at her almost made her cry.

Ami smiling, was, after all, the most achingly beautiful sight she had ever seen.


End file.
